Telling the children about divorce

How to Tell Your Child About Your Divorce

Children are naturally curious and often lack the ability to articulate their feelings. Therefore, it's usually necessary to have these conversations over and over again. Be patient, which is hard when you may be very stressed.

Below are some basic points to keep in mind when telling your child about your divorce:

• Plan to tell your children together. It is very important to have them view you as a unified front "their parents". Your children will suffer less stress and anxiety if you can both let them know that you are thinking about how this is going to effect them and alleviate their fears of the unknown.
• Make sure your children knows that he/she is going to be loved by both parents. Try to keep the conversations about the children and not yourselves. They need confirmation that you both love them and that nothing they have done or not done has caused this.
• Explain to your child why there is going to be a divorce. Be extremely careful not to place any blame on the other parent-even when they are at fault. never forget that your children know that parent is half of them. If a parent is "bad" they feel they too bad or at fault.  The worst thing you can do is to let a child feel as if they need to align with you and take sides against the other parent. This usually backfires much later in life and leaves the parent who alienated the other parent often alienated by their child. Do practice and agree on what you are going to say and be sure it's an age appropriate explanations.  Most children are going to wonder “what happened” and have a right to an answer, so share your feelings with your child and encourage them to share their feelings AND be willing to listen and validate their feelings.If one parent is really at fault and the children see this, I still recommend not blaming. What a wonderful opportunity to teach your child both forgiveness and being non-judgmental. "Everyone goes through a journey and Mommy and Daddy are going through theirs. I'm sure they will get better." is a good example.
• If you have more than one child, talk to them as a group initially. Once all know the news take them individually so that you can learn what each child is feeling and thinking. Each child will respond differently,  and may have different questions and concerns. Each should be able to express their concerns individually in a conversation with Mom and Dad.
• How you talk to your child is as important as what you tell him/her. Be aware of your body language, your tone of voice and your behavior when the other parent is speaking. Don’t interrupt your spouse when he/she is speaking or allow conflicts between the two of you color the conversation you are having with your child.
• Keep in mind that there is a difference in a child’s emotional understanding and intellectual understanding. They will process the new emotionally at a different rate than is processed intellectually. Processing the new will take more time emotionally than intellectually. Due to this, you will be expected to have more than one conversation about the divorce based on your child’s emotional needs.
• Encourage your child to ask questions but don’t be surprised if there are none. As the child process the information there will be questions. Let your child know you are available to answer questions as they come up.
• Be able to explain to your child what will happen to them once you separate or divorce. Provide plenty of details about where the child will live and when and how they will see the parent who will be moving from the family home. Your child will feel more secure if you are able to assure him/her that your divorce will not interfere with their stability or relationship with either parent.
• Be willing to have the conversation over and over again. As your child ages, the questions they have will be different. There may be many conversations, some years down the road about your decision to divorce. Your child will become more sophisticated with age so be prepared to answer the hard questions that come with that sophistication. You will move on from your divorce, your child won’t. Just because you no longer think about it doesn’t mean your child doesn’t. Give them the right to the answers they need to help them deal with a situation that will impact them emotionally for years, if not decades to come.

Here is something every parent needs to understand about divorce…what you say to your child is less important than what you do once you decide to divorce. That first, second and third conversation are important but, “actions speak louder than words” so the way you parent and the example you set by your behavior will determine what the lasting effects of divorce on your child.